The Importance of Being Single in a Relationship


Because loosing yourself sucks ass crumbs, and finding yourself again is hella hard.

I was single for five years before I met my current boyfriend, but before I tell you why I fight to stay single in this relationship, I need to tell you what happened before I lost myself... for that we must go back... way back... back into time.

The year was 2001 and my first marriage had come to a painful end. After enduring years of physical abuse, neglect, and infidelity, I was done, completely done... finally done! However, my self-esteem was in the tank. I'd been with that man since I was thirteen years old. I had little to no identity outside of being his girlfriend, his baby momma, his wife, and his ex. In the time after our divorce I dated a few bums, switched religions a few times, and dropped in and out of school. I had no idea who I was, or who I wanted to be without HIM, and the process of my finding myself was painful and long. 

Fast forward four years.

I'm 27 years old and madly in love again with husband number two. Now to be fair, hubby #2 was a much nicer man than hubby #1, but he was terribly selfish and immature. I let my feelings for him cloud my judgement, and before long, I was back in the same predicament. I was completely incapable of distinguishing mySELF from my love for him. I suppressed my desires to please him, and abandoned all of my aspirations. A lot of things transpired in our marriage that caused it to end, but the most significant thing was the small measure of self love that sprouted in my heart. It caused me to believe that I deserved more. 

I started to realize my worth.

I left hubby 2 and started the long hard work of finding myself again, but this time it was different. I was different. I had a vision in my head of the woman that I wanted to be, and I started slowly working towards that vision. It was still a painfully slow journey, with many pitfalls and setbacks, but I believed in me, and I moved forward. 

And now I am here.

In love with a wonderful man who accentuates my positive, and wants the same things that I want out of life. He's good to me, and I try my best to be good to him in return, but not at the cost of mySELF. I've learned not to let go of the core of who I am the hard way. I treat myself well and nurture my spirit, dreams, and aspirations. It wasn't easy at first. 

I was so conditioned to give my partner all of me. 

When we started dating I was going through a tough time emotionally and financially and he urged me to lean on him, and use his strength. I did, but it cost me. Just like an injured person becoming addicted to pain pills... I became addicted to him. I felt myself becoming dependent. I felt myself shrinking, but that wasn't true to the vision of me in my head. I needed to pull away, and I did. We sat down and had a heart to heart about my history and my future. I told him about the woman I worked so hard to become before I met him, and I was going to fight for her. I was going to fight to be independent and single within this relationship, because I couldn't afford to lose me again. Not only did he understand where I was coming from, he respected my decision... (he's just awesome). I truly am happy, and even though I would like our relationship to go the distance, I can say with confidence that I won't end if our relationship does. I will still be Julia Press Simmons, because I am finally whole, single or not. 


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