Learning How to Say No to Myself

by Julia Press Simmons

I have never struggled with saying no to other people.

I can tell a grown man, “That is not my problem,” with a straight face. I can turn down invitations, decline opportunities, and let your call go to voicemail while I finish my fries. That part has never been the issue.

My real battle has always been saying no to the most persuasive person in my life.

Me.

The version of me that swears she “deserves a treat” every time she is stressed.
The version of me that promises “we’ll start over on Monday” while ordering extra sauce.
The version of me that adds “just one more project” to a plate that is already overflowing.

That Julia is charming, relentless, creative, and absolutely does not care about my long-term goals. She is here for a good time, not a disciplined time. And for years, she ran the show.

This blog is about what it looks like to finally tell her no.

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The Moment I Realized I Was the Problem

I wish I could tell you this revelation arrived in some soft, poetic way. It did not.

It came in the form of me, half-asleep, pulling into a drive-thru before 7 a.m., negotiating with myself over a breakfast sandwich like it was a hostage situation.

“You’ve been up since five. You’re tired. You’re working hard. Just get the meal. You deserve it.”

Meanwhile, a quieter voice in the back of my mind whispered, “You also said we were serious about our health, serious about our money, serious about our time. So, which is it?”

That morning, it hit me. I am not just fighting outside obstacles. I am constantly undoing my own progress with a thousand tiny yeses I never should have given myself.

I am the one who keeps saying yes to distractions.
Yes to comfort.
Yes to chaos.

And every yes has a cost.

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The Myth of “I Deserve It”

Let me tell on myself.

“I deserve it” has been my most dangerous sentence. Because sometimes it is true. I do work hard. I do carry a lot. I do show up for a lot of people.

The problem is not the treat. It is the timing.

    “I deserve it” used to mean:

    I deserve to blow this budget.

    I deserve to skip this workout.

    I deserve to eat like my body will not send me a bill later.I deserve to scroll social media instead of writing.

That is not self-care. That is self-sabotage dressed in a silk robe.

Real self-care is not always soft. Sometimes it sounds like:

“No, Julia. Put the card away.”
“No, Julia. You said you were writing for two hours. Sit down.”
“No, Julia. We are going to the gym, not the drive-thru.”

I had to learn that discipline is not punishment. It is protection.

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Saying No to the Hero Complex

Another hard truth.

I am quick to jump in and save other people. Need a favor? Need help with an event? Need me to read this, promote that, show up here, share that link? I have spent years being “that person.”

But every time I say yes to something I do not really have the capacity for, I am secretly saying no to myself.

No to my rest.
No to my writing.
No to my businesses.
No to my health.

Then I sit there exhausted, resentful, and behind on my own goals, wondering why I feel stuck.

I had to admit it. Nobody tied me up and forced me to overcommit. I did that. I did it because I liked feeling needed more than I liked being accountable to my own dreams.

So now saying no to myself sometimes sounds like:

“No, you cannot volunteer for that. You do not have the bandwidth.”
“No, you are not starting a new project until you finish what is on your plate.”
“No, you are not rearranging your entire week because somebody else did not plan ahead.”

That kind of no feels mean at first. Then it starts to feel like freedom.

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The Quiet Cost of Self-Betrayal

Every broken promise to myself leaves a mark.

Not dramatic, not obvious, but a slow erosion of trust. I would set goals and not follow through. Then the next time I tried to get serious, a part of me rolled her eyes.

“Sure, girl. You said that last month.”

You cannot build a powerful life on top of a foundation where you do not even believe yourself.

So, I started small.

Not “new life by Monday.”
Not “perfect from now on.”

Just simple, clear agreements:

    “We are not eating before this time.”

    “We are working on this project for one focused hour.”

    “We are not spending over this amount today.”

And when the other Julia showed up with her excuses, I practiced saying, “No. We agreed.”

The first few times, it felt like an argument. Now it feels like a boundary.

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Practical Ways I’m Learning to Say No to Myself

This is what it looks like in real life, not in theory.

1. I give myself rules in advance, not in the moment.
   In the moment I am tired, hungry, irritated, emotional, and easily convinced. So, I set rules when I am clear. What time I eat? How much I spend? What I am working on today?

2. I stop negotiating with myself like a lawyer.
   “Just this once” is a lie I have told myself a thousand times. Now, when I catch that phrase, I pause. If it is really “just this once,” it can wait. If it cannot wait, it is probably a pattern.

3. I separate comfort from care.
   Comfort is scrolling, snacking, and buying things I do not need.
   Care is stretching, journaling, going to the gym, going to bed on time, and cooking instead of ordering.
   When I say, “I need a break,” I ask myself, “Do you need comfort or care?” Then I choose like an adult, not a toddler loose in Target.

4. I let the craving talk, but I do not let it drive.
   I can acknowledge the part of me that wants the donut, the nap, or the new project. I just do not let her make the final decision.

5. I measure progress in streaks, not perfection.
   If I fall off, I get back on without a dramatic speech. One bad decision does not cancel all the good ones. It only wins if I use it as an excuse to spiral.

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What Saying No Has Given Me

Learning to say no to myself has not turned me into a saint. I am still me. I still mess up. I still have drive-thru moments.

But now I have something I did not have before.

I trust myself a little more.

I know that when I make a promise to myself, there is a good chance I will keep it. That changes how I walk into a room, how I plan my week, how I dream. Because my dreams are no longer fantasies, I visit when I am bored. They are destinations I am actually traveling toward.

Saying no to myself has given me:

    More energy, because I am not drained by everyone else’s emergencies.

    More time, because I am not filling my schedule with distractions.

    More money, because “I deserve it” has shifted from impulse buys to investments in my future.More confidence, because I see proof that I can keep my word to myself.

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The Hardest Yes

At the end of the day, every no to the version of me that wants comfort right now is a yes to the version of me I am becoming.

The woman who is healthy.
The woman who is wealthy.
The woman who honors her time.
The woman whose businesses thrive.

She does not arrive by magic. She is built choice by choice.

So, if you see me in a drive-thru one morning and then see me pull right back out without ordering, just know I probably just had a full-blown argument with myself in that car.

And for once, the version of me that wants better for my life won.