Growing Up

I'm 36 years old, and I am still growing up, and it's still a painful and beautiful process. I went back to work to shore up the family finances, and just like before I took on too much too fast. I lay in bed after yet another hospital stint wondering when will I learn...

...probably when I grow up!!!

lol, but beyond all of that I am really happy. Fornication Volume Three is out, Dawn of Destruction is out, and I am proud of the work and looking to the future. I'm sitting at my little dinning room table, sipping on lukewarm coffee, and going over the notes I made the other day at work. I'm excited to have this time to myself to write, edit, and dream. I still have great big dreams, but I no longer have the desire to kill myself to obtain them. I had to redefine success, because fame and fortune isn't always where it's at! Once I accepted that for the truth that it is, I was able to see my blessings everywhere. I was grateful for family time, quiet time, writing time, and working time. My perspective  and priorities started to shift, and joy returned to my life.

...I had joy again!!!

That changed everything. I started to like myself, and I'm learning to love myself. I am kinder to me. that's not just whistling Dixie either. I had no idea how very mean I was to myself. I drove myself to the limit of batshit everyday. I tortured my body, defiled it by eating trash, and then tried to wear it out with relentless double shifts. I beat myself up for every mistake, and barely noticed any accomplishment. I was at war with me. Who the fuck does that??? Me, sad but true, I did that junk daily. I don't anymore though. I woke up. I'm growing up, and it is glorious!

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all!" The late great Whitney Huston ain't neva lied.

Here's a breakdown of the changes I'm making.

I used to eat for comfort/ I now pray for comfort, and eat to live.
I used to try to do a million things a day/ I now aim for 3 things (and I almost always hit the marks!)
I used to exercise until I wanted to pass out/ I now follow planned routines and listen to my body
I used to go to work sick/ I now use my sick time like I got good sense!
I listen to motivational videos every morning
I pray daily
I pamper myself whenever possible
I make time to read books I enjoy
I'm focused on my writing career
I guard my joy!!!

Until next time

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